1991 Was A Pretty Great Year After All

I don't really know what to post right now.  After an interesting weekend, I find myself opening this up and staring it.  I don't know what to say exactly, but I obviously feel that I need to say something. 

It's hard to spit things out when they're still processing in your head.  I know once I say something or write it down, I can't take it back.  I know that even if my opinion has changed on the matter, it was communicated and someone else has taken it in.  I feel as if there are compartments of my brain that things have to cycle through before I can give my opinion on them.  I don't like to react when I'm in the "intake stage" of something.  That's when you first receive the information and blunt reaction statements come out.  I don't like to react when I'm in the "feeling stage" of something.  That's when people say things they don't mean because their heart is clouding their head.  I don't like to react in the "angry stage" because that's when people are mad to cover up for their feelings being hurt so much.  People don't normally react in the "void stage" because they just have tossed the topic to the back of their mind and don't want to fixate on it anymore.  Only after getting over all of those stages can you come to the "conclusion stage."  Here you have sorted through all of the information and place it into the appropriate places.  Everything is where it belongs and at least to you, it makes sense.  You may not like how things stand or understand what got them to this place, but you at least acknowledge that things are the way that they are.  Sometimes I can jump right to this stage and other times the sting of an action make it harder to get there.  The greater the sting, the longer it takes.  Luckily for anyone reading this, I'm not going to write on the negative stings from this weekend.  I'm just going to stick to the surprisingly positive one. 

I was a bit shocked this weekend.  The things this weekend that I thought would go off without a hitch were messy and complicated.  The one thing that I was slightly concerned about attending was the one thing that made me feel whole.  It was the one place I felt at home.  It was with family that I haven't spent time with in years.  We've all been trying lately and things are starting to go a lot more smoothly.  I've missed them all since things got crazy and it bothers me that we've lost all of that time together.  Yesterday, however, was like all of that hard stuff was just moved to the side.  It's great to see my grandpa so happy with his new girlfriend.  She is a ball of energy and a blast to be around.  She truly is a great person.  I hope I get to spend more time with her and my grandpa in the future.  They seem to truly make each other happy.

While I was there, I was able to see pictures of me and my brother growing up.  Since I don't have very many of those pictures anymore, it was great to see them.  My aunt has even made books for each of us with our pictures.  I could have stared at them for hours.  I sometimes think that if the me in those pictures could talk to the me I am now ... I might feel a bit more like myself.  Many people talk about wanting to know back then what they know now.  I would like it to be the other way around.  I would much rather have the current me reminded of what the back-then me thought.   I think that when people get lost, no one knows them better than their 6 year old self.  No one else can put things into perspective like the mind of a child and what better child than the child you were.  What better person to talk to than the one that's known you the longest.  All of the things that were important to do were important for all the right reasons when you were 6.  All of the rules followed were the grail when you were 6.  All of the lessons learned were so simple yet so complex looking back at being 6.

Every now and then I feel like I need to go back to my roots.  I need to stand where I did when I was little and remember what was important to me then.  It wasn't the same stuff people fixate on now and frankly, I don't think I fit in half of the time.  I don't value many of the same things that others do.  I believe in many of the same things that I believed in when I was little. 

It reminds me of the poem - All I Ever Need to Know I learned in Kindergarten, by Robert Fulghum:

"All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sand pile at school.

These are the things I learned:

• Share everything.
• Play fair.
• Don't hit people.
• Put things back where you found them.
• Clean up your own mess.
• Don't take things that aren't yours.
• Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
• Wash your hands before you eat.
• Flush.
• Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
• Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
• Take a nap every afternoon.
• When you go out in the world, watch
• Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: the roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
• Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we.
• And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK.

Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality and sane living.

Take any one of those items and extrapolate it into sophisticated adult terms and apply it to your family life or your work or government or your world and it holds true and clear and firm. Think what a better world it would be if we all - the whole world - had cookies and milk at about 3 o'clock in the afternoon and then lay down with our blankies for a nap. Or if all governments had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them and to clean up their own mess.

And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out in the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together."

There are a few things I would add to the list, but I think I'll save this for another day.  I was the kid that truly believed all of these things growing up with every fiber of my being.  I believed that you told the truth, you owned when you did something wrong, "getting in trouble" was the worst thing ever, you should spend every day doing your best and using your mind - whichever side you chose to use that day, and that you were to be a good person.  The kind of person that other people were proud of and blessed to have in their life.  I believed that if someone did you wrong and hurt your feelings, that they should apologize and fix it because that's just what people do that care.  I believed that when someone needed help and you knew it, that you did what you could to make things better because it's just what you are supposed to do.  I believed that if someone made a mistake, that in the end - you forgave them and granted a second chance.  I also believed that after so many chances, there was no way that I could invite you to my pony themed birthday party because you were just one of those not-nice kids that didn't care about my birthday anyway ... and that was ok.  There were only so many pony birthday spots to begin with and let's face it - you don't even like ponies. I believed that not everyone was going to like me and I that I wasn't going to like everyone, but you did have to give everyone as chance.  I believed that my Dad was the coolest and smartest guy on the face of the planet and that my mom could make just about anything with a trip to the store and enough glue.  I still believe both of those to be true.  Most importantly, I believed that your friends and family were always there no matter what and would catch you if you fell, whether that mean on the swing set, from a tree, at a softball game, after a dance recital, when someone else was mean, when you got your report card, if you too were uninvited from a super awesome pony themed birthday party, when a friend moved away, and when nothing seemed to make sense. 

I guess I need to stop thinking a little bit less like I'm about to be 26 years old and start thinking a little bit more like I am 6 years old.  Things made so much more sense back then.  We all knew things would change in 20 years, but who knew we would want them to stay so much the same.  I guess 1991 was a pretty great year after all ... And like Robert Fulghum said "And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out in the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together."

Here's to holding hands and sticking together.

Cheers, 

Nikki

Well, Here Goes Nothing ...

I've never had a blog before.  I've never even wanted one.  I have, however, been working to try figure some things out lately.  After a few comments of encouragement and after keeping up with the blog of someone I consider to be a good friend and a great guy ... I've decided to start one.  You can either thank or berate Rob.  That's up to you. 

I can't promise it will be great.  I can't promise it will inspire.  I can't even promise anyone will want to read it.  I can, however, promise to try my hardest to be honest and to only be me.  I can assume there will be some wit, some humor, and some frustration.  I wouldn't be me without my sarcasm, my dryness, or my at times obnoxious bluntness.  I can guess that I may sound a bit lost at times, but everyone is a bit lost now and again.  If not, they aren't trying to go anywhere.  I hate the feeling of standing still.  I don't do well with it and I never have.  I feel as if there is always more to be done.  Maybe that's the problem lately.  I haven't felt like I'm going anywhere.  I need a destination. 

Anyone that really knows me knows that I can talk a whole lot, but I'm not too keen to talk about me ... at least not anything too personal.  I have no clue what I'll even want to say on here, but I know that I have lot to get figured out.  I may only want to post random things or interests.  I may use this to complain about things I can't control when I think my friends or family don't want to hear it anymore.  I may simply let it sit for weeks at a time with nothing to say.  The point is, I have no expectations and no one else should either.  If nothing else has worked so far, then this surely can't hurt.  (Knock on wood, even if you aren't superstitious)

A wise woman once told me that to find yourself, you have to be willing to find the quiet.  So often we get lost in everyday things and we don't make the time to just hold still and think without interruption.  Interruption by cellphones, computers, television, jobs, friends, responsibilities ... ha, blogs.  Only when you can quiet the rest can you really hear what your heart is saying.  Apparently I am way too noisy for mine, because I doubt it has little to say.  Ms. Sherry Hahn is more wise than she will give herself credit for and shows me the benefits of fully listening to someone.  I'm blessed that she is a part of my life. 

I don't intend to have all posts resemble this one, but then again - You never really know the end result or the finished product.  Any creative person will tell you that.  An intention is simply your plan at the time and in the current place that you stand.  I hope to not stand here too much longer, so with time my intentions will change.  I may not be a lot of things, but I'd like to think I'm creative.  Maybe throughout this blog I'll know for sure. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't have much left to lose, but I'm anxious to get moving.  So ... Here's to the friends and family that have shaped me along the way.  Here's to strength and determination that I possess.  Here's to the stars that may or may not show me the way.  Most importantly, here's to going somewhere... and anyone that wants to come with.

Cheers
Nikki